


I'll Let You Know

by Justcannibalthings



Series: Justin x Elliot [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Cancer, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hospitals, M/M, elliot struggles to process death, justin is haunted too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 17:03:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13931445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justcannibalthings/pseuds/Justcannibalthings
Summary: Elliot couldn't blame himself.





	I'll Let You Know

Elliot was not in a good space. His head rolled over what had happened, the events spinning round- drawing every ounce of his attention. He felt nauseous; not the kind of nauseous when you eat too much sugar, no, this was a genuine sickness- he could feel bile sitting in his throat but he hadn’t yet worked out if he had the energy to fight the urge to vomit. It would burn if he did; he hadn’t eaten all day. He was stuck in a vicious limbo, his logical mind kept telling him it wasn’t his fault- patients die, you can’t save everyone because sometimes it’s just their time to go, and yet his gut curled- tormented by the fact that this was unmistakably his fault. He was currently sat on the floor of one of the storage rooms- he threaded one hand through his hair; he could feel how shaky his hand was and it unnerved him further. He was trying his hardest to breathe but the lack of oxygen flowing to his brain was making it hard to think logically, but a consequence of not being able to think logically was a lack of ability to calm down, which resulted in him hyperventilating, causing him to panic further as he thought about the possibility of passing out and smacking his head off of one of the shelves. That, of course could end his young career since a doctor can’t really be brain damaged, and how would he pay off his student debt if he was unable to work; his relationship would probably be over too, and what if it damaged his cerebellum and he had to learn to walk again. Unfortunately, this tangent was easy to go down due to the lack of ability to think logically because of the lack of oxygen, which of course made him panic more and well, you get the point. 

Justin had been on his way to check up on a patient when one of the nurses had walked up to him, looking rather panicked. This confused him of course, it was unlikely to be about a patient since he hadn’t had a page. “Miss Noels died.” Justin nodded, his face stayed fairly flat. It was sad of course; all deaths were but he was a doctor and Miss Noels had had a low immune system as a result of her cocktail of cancer treatments, and was dancing on the line of terminal. It was sad, but some people simply didn’t have the energy to keep pushing damaged organs. “Heart?” The nurse shook her head “not sure, Dr. Fawl didn’t show for her chemo and she just stopped breathing- couldn’t get her going again. I think someone’s ordered an autopsy.” Justin nodded- she was technically his patient since one of his residents was in charge of her. “He didn’t take it well, knocked over the crash cart and basically ran out the room.” Justin frowned, giving a loose nod of thanks and walking (faster than he was willing to admit) to Elliot’s unofficial thinking space. 

Justin slid himself into the room, closing the door behind himself and sitting down on the floor beside a hyperventilating Elliot. He put an arm around him and pulled him onto his chest before speaking “Deep breath Elliot. Deep breath.” Elliot did not take a deep breath, but he couldn’t bring himself to move from the comforting hug despite wanting to hide from the universe. Justin knew Elliot pretty well- they spent most of their time together when you tallied up work and social as one lump, and you learn a lot about someone when you work a 13-hour shift with them. Elliot was much like many of his fellow residents- he hadn’t learnt to balance caring and distance yet. You can’t blame yourself, it eats at you and death is inevitable; it’s your job to keep fighting against it, every single patient needs you- sure you’ll get attached to frequent flyers and it does make it harder. If you want to go home and drink it away, or break a plate then nobody would blame you. But you have to find your own way to cope and figure out how to shut it off until your shift ends. Justin ran his and up and down Elliot’s shoulder in a slow rhythm, allowing the motion to subtly slow his breathing without conscious altering. With his breathing slowing, Elliot could think a little clearer- the coked-up hamster that had been running round his mind calmed itself enough for his logical side to once again take control. “I should have been there.” Justin nodded loosely at Elliot’s words, keeping his hands rhythm “Where were you?” Elliot swallowed, taking a moment to force himself to take a deep but shaky breath in “I was…I was fixing a catheter for Noah.” Justin sighed “you know they're gonna have to learn to do these procedures themselves, right?” Elliot nodded loosely “I was trying to help, nobody wants to have one of those put in twice and I just…” Elliot faded off, giving a sigh “I should have been there, she shouldn’t have died. It’s my fault.” Justin let out a contemplative noise, shuffling and tilting Elliot’s chin to make him look at him “You will kill a patient. At some point you’re going to fuck up, and you will carry it with you for the rest of your life. Miss Noels is not that patient. She crashed, it happens. The chemo would have just weakened her more and she would have still crashed. It’s not on you, Elliot. It was just her time.” Elliot closed his eyes, chewing absently on his lip and exhaling through his nose before swallowing. “Okay.” Justin raised a brow, as Elliot opened his eyes once more “Okay?” Elliot gave a small nod “I trust you, and I know you’re right but I still feel horrible…When does this get easier? Patients dying.” Justin sighed, pulling Elliot’s head to rest on his chest again and breathing in the smell of his (slightly sweaty) hair. “I’ll let you know.”


End file.
